I’m a minor-attracted person (MAP). As I write this in 2012, I’m in my late 50s. I thought of myself as a normal hetero guy until about the age of 54 or so. I was married for 16 years and am now divorced with a steady girlfriend (roughly my same age) for the past 8 years. I have been passionately attracted to adult women, so I am luckier than many.
However, signs have been there all along. I’ve always preferred women who looked more child-like and retained a playful and child-like personality. Young girls, on the other hand, make my heart soar. Even if they are being difficult and unpleasant, I can patiently accept that and still feel affection.
Up until I was about age 30, children in general and girls in particular were a mystery to me, being the younger of two brothers and having no other children in my life. Then my ex-wife and I had two daughters, and everything changed. I was an involved parent, spending a lot of time with my daughters and their friends. I really ‘got’ children, understood their feelings and respected them, and they in turn liked me. I knew I felt a deep tenderness and affection for them, but my pedophilia was obscured because parents often feel that way towards children. But the signs were there. While I felt a special love for my daughters, I felt a different romantic attraction for their girl friends.
I was quite conventional in all things sexual up until the age of 54 or so. Faced with an empty nest, free time, and mid-life unease, I spent a lot of time figuring out my sexuality. I had a revelation that I was attracted to girls well below puberty, but my protective instincts towards the girls has led me to repress the sexual and romantic nature of my attraction. For example, I recently saw a movie that began with a still photo of a girl. I thought she was sexually attractive, until the still photo became a real girl with personality and issues to face. The sexual attraction vanished and was replaced by compassion for her story.
I used to volunteer with younger children, even as my own girls went into middle school, but have since stopped, because I found the interactions more frustrating than satisfying. This is unfortunate because I know the kids were nurtured by my love and attention.
That is the major downside to my attraction: the isolation. I am lucky to have a therapist I can talk with freely about it, but there is no one else in my life that I can trust in that way. There is a whole side to my life I cannot share with my girlfriend or broader social network. I also feel alienated from a society that hates me for my thoughts. Perhaps someday, I’ll find another MAP in the greater Boston area who could be a real friend and ease my sense of isolation.
Sexuality comes in many forms. While my preferred form can only be practiced privately and alone, I can still appreciate the joy it gives me.
My life has been far more than the romantic and sexual aspects. I already mentioned my daughters. I have also had a successful career in high tech, been involved with a liberal religious congregation, and taken an activist role in politics. Puzzles and games, nature, and dancing are a few hobbies. I read widely and am also an amateur writer.
